Bliss

So, I can totally see cockroaches out of the corner of my eye. And spiders. And pretty much any kind of bug. Cockroaches make me feel super grossed out and spiders make me go into psycho-survival mode (I’m totally phobic) but I think I’m pretty brave about most bugs. (Not really, but I like to think that about myself anyhow.) But seriously, I have ex-ray vision when it comes to these things, and I do not happen to think that is a strength. Rather, it is quite a burden to always see what would be just better for everyone if it went unnoticed. Bugs are a perfect example of when the phrase “ignorance is bliss” is actually true.

I have to operate under this principle in order to live in my house.

However, sometimes the wayward, gi-normous bug (i.e.: cockroach) strays from the cracks in the plaster or the cesspool that is my basement, and damn, if I don’t see it out of the corner of my eye.

Like just now, for instance. I am minding my own business, just posting comments on myspace to keep in touch with folks, and HOLY COW! Big black shadow swiftly passing from four to five o’ clock in my peripheral vision!!!! If only I had been positioned just slightly to the left, I might have missed this invader as it passed back into the shadow from whence it came- but no.
I saw it. Luckily, I make a point to always wear shoes in my house- for doing laundry or for occasions like this. In a one-two kung-fu kind of move, I rammed my fingers hard into my ears and stomped.

Now these suckers seem to have similar ex-ray powers, because they can spot a person who is on bug-alert as soon as said person spots said bug. It is like a showdown- only not like a showdown at all, because the bug starts running (at creepy-sick speed too) to the nearest dark place, and the human momentarily wretches and tries to gather courage. Fortunately for me, my roach took a wrong path and tried to squeeze under the filing cabinet next to my computer. As I said already, the thing is gi-normous, and he could not fit. I stomped.

I witnessed ooze. Twitching of legs.

I shuddered again. I took a deep breath and made a game plan. There would be toilet paper to gather if I was to flush him- as is the protocol in such a case. I wasted no time. Toilet paper in hand, I reached for the corpse- but somehow with its freshly squashed shell it managed to writhe a little out of my grasp, just under the filing cabinet. The damn thing was still alive.
Quickly, I fished it out with a fly-swatter. (Yeah, we have those too. Also bizarrely large.) Again, I stomped. This time, however, the bug instantly became three times its original size as all its nasty, creepy, black silicone parts shattered. I was horrified by the diameter of the obliterated bug on my floor. The same floor my baby crawls on.
Tomorrow, I will find some reason to leave this place for the better part of the day.
Again: a perfect example of where ignorance really is bliss.